The Fast Food Test

Sometimes for lunch I hit Jack in the Box or Subway. I try not to go too often, mostly because fast food is bad for you, but also because I inevitably end up in line behind someone who can't quite wrap their mind around the challenge of ordering at a fast food restaurant.

Which brings me to my point. There are many ways to quantify/qualify intelligence. Many of these methods rely on complex, time-intensive testing. But, like so many things in life, there's a quick 'n' dirty way to gauge intelligence in the field. It's not as exact as, say, I.Q. testing, but we can consider it another tool in the box.

It's the Fast Food Test.

There is a line drawn across humanity. If you are able to place an order at a fast food restaurant with a minimum of hassle, you are above the Fast Food Test line. If you find the menu confusing, don't know what to say or do, get angry for no apparent reason, require ten minutes to order a cheeseburger, try to order stuff that's not on the menu, or generally in some way have a hard time placing your order, waiting for a couple of minutes, getting your food and leaving, you are below the Fast Food Test line.

Which means you're a fucking moron.

I understand there are many different types of intelligence. Someone with very little knowledge of U.S history, for instance, may be very knowledgeable when it comes to automotive repair. And I'm not saying that, if you pluck a South American tribesman from his village in the Amazon River Basin and plop him in a McDonald's on Wilshire, he's automatically stupid because he's confused. (Besides the whole "teleporting from the Amazon to McDonald's in LA" thing). The Fast Food test refers to Americans with a basic level of social interaction with the culture at large. If there's a possibility that you've seen, heard of or been inside a fast food restaurant, this test applies.

Because the corporations running these franchises are well aware their goods and services are pitched to the broadest common social denominator. Meaning: everything is designed for anybody to understand. When you walk into a place, guaranteed everything you see and experience has been thoroughly contemplated, designed and test marketed. This ain't rocket science. It is the exact opposite of rocket science. Which means that people who fail the Fast Food Test have gone into a place that's been specifically created to allow stupid people to feed themselves... and they still fuck it up.

Unfortunately, almost every time I get fast food, I'm exposed to people who are failing the Fast Food Test. Which leads me to wonder... does fast food attract stupid people? We know it makes you fat and unhealthy, but does it make you stupid as well? Why the constant concentration of idiocy in these places?