Dear Hello Kitty

Here's a link to my totally awesome new blog, LOL!

http://dearhellokitty.blogspot.com/

Holiday Wishes

Dear Hello Kitty:

Hoppy Easter, motherfucker!

Love,

Mike

The Power of Lard Compels You

The other day, I was hunting around the stacks at Amoeba and tripped across a copy of Lard's "The Power of Lard" EP for like four bucks. So I bought it.

Lard was one of Al Jourgensen's many side projects, this one with Jello Biafra on lead vocal.

"The Power of Lard" is pretty much one of the best songs by anybody, ever. It's seven-and-a-half minutes of raw musical genius. Back when I had Lard on tape (!) I wore the fucking thing into a nub. Just on this one song. I'm glad to have it back, though I have a feeling my neighbors are gonna want to lynch me after a while. On the other hand, they gotta be happy to have a break from the non-stop Deicide and Slayer I've been blasting while writing DEMON.

I've been slamming hard on DEMON, almost done with the first draft. "The Power of Lard" has been the soundtrack of the ending gunfight for several nights now.

There are a couple of home-grown vids on YouTube for "The Power of Lard," if you don't mind hearing this amazing song for the first time outta your crappy monitor speakers.

"The Power of Lard" sounds best when you're flying at a hundred miles an hour in a Mustang through the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night.

Take my word on this. I speak from experience... Al and Jello were my co-pilots on a lotta runs between Chicago and SIU for a while.

The only thing that might be as brilliant as Lard is Pailhead, Jourgensen's side project with Ian MacKaye on vocals. Hard to find... but I dug that one up, too.

Life is good.

Motherfucker, I'm Jealous

...but not of the weather. Looks like just another dreary-ass day in Chi-town. Though I'm glad to see Discount Outlet is still there.

Welcome to PLANET B-BOY

There is a movie called Planet B-Boy. Variety reviewed it here.

Dude, maybe that's what you should call the restaurant where everything on the menu is named the same thing.

Thomas Jane

According to this Variety article, Thomas Jane got pulled over for a DUI.

His arraignment is set for April 9.

How this affects RUN, I dunno...

The fun never stops!

The Village Tap

Man, I really miss this place.

I used to hang out here all the time when I was going to film school. Beautiful day like today, a few pitchers, some nachos... good times.

Bearwatch

In this article, we learn a bear was prosecuted for stealing honey.

Which is exactly how it should be.

We're facing a worldwide crisis with the loss of bees. And then, what little honey actually does get produced is ganked by this furry asshole. Jesus.

Hey, bears! Get your damn dirty paws off our honey!

This has been another Bearwatch Bulletin.

Fincher and Heavy Metal!

According to this article, Fincher's gonna direct a segment of a new Heavy Metal.

OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THAT COOL!!!

Is It Possible to be Cooler than Neil Marshall?

According to this article in Variety, he's gonna write and direct a horror Western.

I think Marshall's a genius and one of the strongest original voices in horror today -- and weirdly unsung, considering all of the attention on Roth and Zombie. Despite the inherent coolness of Marshall doing a horror Western, it's not that big of a deal. There are several set up around town, and probably more on the way.

But check out this quote:

"This is 'Unforgiven' by way of H.P. Lovecraft, with that grim, gritty setting and a horror element nobody has seen before," Marshall said.

FUCK is that cool. I'm sold.

M.R. James

Man, I fucking love M.R. James.

The guy was an Oxford professor who wrote ghost stories in his spare time around the turn of the 20th century.

I was re-reading these stories again over the weekend. Damn, just simply fucking AMAZING.

These stories aren't for everyone. It's in a veddy British prose, and the stories are dense with detail. But if you dig Lovecraft... you should be reading James.

I almost have to wonder if Lovecraft read and/or was influenced by James. There are a lot of similarities: the protagonists are almost always tweedy academic types, the horror usually stems from a book or artifact or third-hand story-within-a-story, etc. The only thing James lacks his a central Mythos.

These stories build a slow dread, tightening the noose with layers of weirdness and wrongness.

I have Complete Ghost Stories. But if you wanna get a taste, I'm pretty sure some of his stores are online somewhere.

Query of the Day

I get a lot of queries about Jesus, or using Jesus as a character. This one gets points for originality:

"Modern temptations abound when Jesus returns as the star quarterback at a Jewish high school in this present day retelling of the New Testament."

Satanic Hell Metal

I'm working on a spec right now called DEMON.

It's about a demon. I know, clever.

Anyway... just for fun, I put in a running bit of business so, every time our demon turns on the radio or listens to music, it's a metal song about hell or Satan.

So far I've got:

Iron Maiden "The Number of the Beast"
Slayer "Hell Awaits"
Deicide "Sacrificial Suicide"
I could've picked almost any Deicide song, but I think this one's pretty catchy.
Suicidal Tendencies "You'll be Sorry"
Motley Crue "Shout at the Devil"
AC/DC "Hell's Bells"
I'm much more of a Bon Scott-era guy, but "Highway to Hell" is so overplayed I'm sick of it. And "Hells Bells" is one of my favorite Brian Johnson-era songs.

Anyway... I need more.

This is exactly one of those things where you think you'd be able to just rock it out of the park, but the moment comes and its... uh... what's that one song that's like... um...

And I realize the above are weighted more towards '80s metal. I wanna mix it up with newer tracks. But I also wanna see if I can't use tracks that are at least halfway recognizable to a lot of people. Point being, I'm sure I could load it up with tunes from any given goth or death metal band, but outside of that core audience, who's gonna recognize them? I included Deicide because... shit, if you're gonna make a list of Satanic death metal, they have to be on there.

I know there are a lot more songs out there, and I'm just forgetting them.

Any suggestions?

Spider

I watched David Cronenberg's Spider last night. It stars Ralph Fiennes as a crazy guy. By an odd coincidence, he was recently at the top of our casting target list to play Dracula in The Un-Dead. No dice, he's busy playing Voldemort until 2010.

I stayed away from Spider when it first came out. I wasn't wild about Existenz, and the reviews made this one sound kinda dull. But with this amazing rennaissance Cronenberg's been having, I decided to go back and catch up on the few titles I haven't seen.

A warning: this is a reeeeaaaaally slow movie. It's not for everyone. If you hated Broken Flowers, for instance, you should avoid this one and go see Meet the Spartans. Again.

Ralph Fiennes plays Spider. He's recently been let out of the asylum so he can go stay in a kinda halfway home type place. He gets his own room and a dresser and a bed. He spends all day wandering the streets, picking up cigarette butts and muttering to himself. At night, he takes notes in his journal. Spider keeps the journal hidden, like it's the most important thing in the world. The whole thing is full of nothing but squiggles.

This is everything that happens in act one.

I didn't mind, because it's obvious Fiennes really rolled up his sleeves, put on his acting hat and dove right in. It's always fun to watch a talented guy go to town on a role. (See also: Day-Lewis, Daniel).

Things get more intersting as Spider has flashbacks to his childhood. This is great because, without preamble, Spider just starts following this kid around. And you're thinking... hoo boy, he's crazy, what's gonna happen? Until you realize the kid is Spider as a child, and he's just being present in the past, if that makes sense. And it becomes clear that the stuff Spider mutters to himself all day are lines of dialogue from his past. He's never completely there in the present.

The story that unspools in flashback is great. It's very slow and measured, but it's this awesome combination of kitchen sink drama and Hitchcock. Again -- not for everyone, but I loved it.

So yeah, I'm telling you the entire movie is about a crazy guy who wanders around and remembers stuff, the end. But it's still Cronenberg. Not to get all foo-foo, but the framing is just brilliant. Shots that could otherwise be just little throwaways are perfectly composed, like photographic art. Cronenberg's not just brilliant, he makes it look easy.

Spider isn't as necessary as History of Violence or Eastern Promises. But I got the feeling the deep character study work helped lay the track for the later projects. It's an interesting film I wasn't sure I'd like, even with Cronenberg directing. Good thing I was wrong.

Gary Gygax Died

According to this article.

I met Gary at Gen Con years and years ago. He reminded me of Santa Claus.

It's a sad day for geekdom.

Query of the Day

The hits just keep on a-comin'. I love that this is a documentary.


"LOGLINE: The true and personal story of the invasion of
Heaven by evil Grey and Reptilian extra-
terrestrials who have murdered almost all of
its inhabitants and have taken it under their
complete control.

I have an unusual and horrific personal story that needs to be made into a dramatic documentary as soon as possible. The implications of what I have experienced and witnessed involves the fate of the human race and its destruction by demonic extraterresrials.

I initially had the priviledge of seeing glimpses into Earth's Heaven through the visitation of a former popular actor and entertainer, Bobby Jordan, who passed away in 1965 at the young age of forty-two. I believe that he came to me in order to bring himself the recognition and appreciation that he did not receive in his adult years and because he passed on so soon.

However, our relationship also caught the attention of what I have since learned, seen and felt are very evil Grey and Reptilian extraterrestrials who found a way to make into the control room by professional people who were observing our relationship and they went on to enter the primary level of Heaven to take it completely over. Both me and Bobby Jordan have witnessed the mass murder of what must now be millions of human souls. The endless trail of death reminded me of the mass murders of Jews during World War II. Our Heaven is being completely destroyed of its human inhabitants and is being replaced by Grey, Reptilian and former SS Nazis.

We also witnessed what appeared to be a very special area in Heaven where a battl between former SS Nazi troops and guards with higher human spirit leaders that may have included Jesus Christ and other higher religious souls. By December 25, 2007 that special realm was in the complete control of SS Nazi as the fighting had ended and the Nazis were moving in large truckloads of equipment.

I have also personally witnessed that another level of Heaven, that includes a number of former leaders in Earth's history, are now watching us and have found a way to block the Grey extraterrestrials from watching myself and Bobby Jordan for the time being. The former leaders have shown us the endless fields of dead human souls and I know that they want me and Bobby Jordan in some way to report the horrific situation that has occurred in Heaven.

By the way, this is my second screenplay and I have written this one because of the frightening urgency and implications for mankind are so profound. The implications include what the evil extraterrestrials coudl do from that dimension both as a military arena to launch attacks on the human population living on the physical level of Earth and not only eliminate human souls from entering ever again in human bodies, but replaces them with a far more uglier and maniacal spirit that one can only imagine."

Alestorm

Thanks to B-Boy for hipping me to Alestorm.

This is a Scottish band. They play pirate metal.

Let me repeat: PIRATE METAL.

If the words "pirate metal" don't incite a raging hard-on, perhaps you should reconsider the responsibilities that come with owning a penis.

PIRATE METAL!!!

Query of the Day Two-fer Part Two

And the second... Despite the loopy execution, this one actually has the seed of a good idea in there.

"The story starts off with Fredrick Will who is a very selfish and passionate scientist who's only concern is his work. He clones himself to finalize his congenital research. Fredrick then loses his much needed funding and is forced to close-down the project that was inherited from his father. Devastated Fredrick Will decides to kill himself because he feels like he did not live up to his fathers expectations. In doing so he leaves behind the clone of himself "Fred" to replace him in his absents.

Clone Fred must now maintain his identity while he pioneers through his new and exciting life. Since the original Fredrick had left Clone Fred only a few computer tutorials to prepare him for his assignment and for Fred to become more familiar with the research information that Fredrick and Fredrick's father, Roger Will, had devised. Phillip Herrera, who was originally Fredrick Will's assistant in the laboratory, stumbles onto Fred's secret and confronts Fred about it!

Phillip then decides to help Fred find a purpose to his life and they develop Fred's first friendship. Meanwhile Fredrick's wife Ashley Will is pregnant, although it is not Fredrick's baby, but rather Fred's. This concerns Phillip for many reasons so he decides to tell his wife, Claudine Herrera, the secret of Fred. They both sit down with Ashley Will and reveal the truth about her husband to her. Ashley in disarray begins to scold Fred when he walks into the door, as if he was the original Fredrick Will, she then kicks him out of the house. As a direct result of her emotional distress she goes into labor. Ashley wakes up in the hospital with Fred by her side holding her hand, they discuss their feelings for each other and Fred then purposes to Ashley again for the first time, because he realizes the importance of life and now shares in it with his new family."

Query of the Day Two-fer

Here's the first one:

"Greed caused Captain Robert Blackstone to squeeze too many slaves on board his ship from Calcutta to British Guyana. It seemed like any other journey, that until he discovered the woman he had been bribed to kill was not on ordinary slave. He procrastinated to carry out the assignment and kept her in his quarters under the excuse of protecting her, which spooked the superstitious crew and infuriated the surgeon."