Italian Spiderman

Thanks to John Evans for turning me on to Italian Spiderman.

I was in tears... LAUGH-tears!

A Very Special Query of the Day

"taco worked hard. he has a cell phone. and a dog. his name is vennis. vennis is a dog with ears and a long nouse. he sniffs ground and then he poops. taco picks up poop and has a collection of vennis poop in his garden. his garden is growing with fungus. and vennis poop. the cats go meow for vennis poop.

taco has a wife her name is maria. she is a cleaner. she cleans things. she no like vennis but SHE like TACO!!

did i win? :P"

Apparently, there's a rumor going around that the craziest query wins a free taco.

After deep reflection on the inner mysteries of the art of query writing, I've decided... YES, YOU WIN A FREE TACO.

If the completely anonymous writer of the above query would be so kind as to send me his/her mailing address, I'll hook you up with a gift certificate to the fast food taco joint of your choice. Taco Bell? Del Taco? Jack in the Box? You name it, you got it.

Kevin DuBrow Died!!!

Check it:

"Quiet Riot Lead Singer Kevin Dubrow Dies

LAS VEGAS (AP) — Kevin Dubrow, lead singer for the 1980s heavy metal band Quiet Riot that scored a hit with "Cum on Feel the Noize," was found dead in a Las Vegas home. He was 52. The cause was not immediately known.

A neighbor summoned police and paramedics Sunday to the house where he was pronounced dead, police and coroner's officials said.

There was no forced entry, and no suspicious circumstances were reported, police Officer Jose Montoya said Monday.

Quiet Riot was perhaps best known for its 1983 cover of "Cum on Feel the Noize." The song, featuring Dubrow's powerful, gravelly voice, appeared on the band's album "Metal Health" — which was the first by a metal band to reach No. 1 on the Billboard chart.

DuBrow recorded his first solo album in 2004, "In for the Kill," and the band's last studio CD, "Rehab," came out in October 2006.

"I can't even find words to say," Quiet Riot drummer Frank Banali wrote on his Web site. "Please respect my privacy as I mourn the passing and honor the memory of my dearest friend Kevin DuBrow."

Determination of the cause of death was pending an autopsy and toxicology results, Clark County coroner's spokeswoman Samantha Charles said."

When I was a freshman in high school, I thought Quiet Riot was the coolest band in the world (for a variety of contrarian reasons), followed closely by AC/DC.

Flash forward a bunch of years. I was playing a Joe Happy gig somewhere in the sticks (I think Deerfield), and there were fliers all over the place for the Quiet Riot show on the sked for the next weekend. I remember thinking: "So THAT'S what happened to Quiet Riot."

Query of the Day

"Normal boys, of our times, those continually attached to his/her own cellular video, even to see the last tape sent by a proper friend or a tape, even unloaded by Internet, to show with pride to his/her own friends…
Few cares if the images reproduce a puzzling scene as the decapitation of the soldier in Afghanistan or the tape of a violence indeed …are imagines, these unloaded under the name of amusing files…
Someone him sudden small director and it takes back our most sinister and iniquitous perverts…
This way, suddenly a high school student discovers this perverse fun and favored by his friends Dario, Viviana and Monia and from Sandro they form a gang …
With the same spirit of whom plays to the PlayStation and the same inexplicable state of mind of whom is having a good time even himself in the disco or with other boasts (these him of youth) they improvise actions of violence, actually to flow in violent physical attacks and to violence physical o come upon him in bloody struggles of district with other groups (the gangsters of quarters…come it happens to London and in America)
Yet they are all good boys!
Dario with instant output in school, the night is improvised escort for enjoy sexuality with contempt, almost a slash to himself; Luca, adored by his father (entrepreneur) that he doesn't lose occasion to adulate with pride his own child, he is for a long time by now enslaved of the cocaine, while Sandro Worker Building with the dream to become model but a boy that he works with the sweat of the forehead, serious and very responsible to the point to succeed in sustaining alone himself, its anger flows through carnal violence and physics
Boys as so many others, normal boys, to different social classes, that confuse in the endless sea of his own contemporaries, to the point to become to the eye of the law of the unknown emeritus…

The unbelievable success of their tapes, the in demand among the friends, the more unloaded in Internet, the continuous struggles among groups, expose over way the group, actually to end in the net of a Journalist that for a long time it follows this phenomenon and that, with the help of a young commissioner he/she will succeed in uncovering the group of friends overcoming that barrier of conspiracy of silence that covered them.
Only to that point the boys incredibly account that is not treated of a game make; and it is really this the most unbelievable and puzzling fact; them only protagonists of a virtual truth felt, of the protagonists of a video game their horrible video game….. "

A Little Unexpected Lovecraft

I'm sitting on my ass in AZ, watching Food Network with the parents.

Good Eats, hosted by Alton Brown, starts up. The dish of the day: greenbean cassarole.

Alton starts by describing the awful, green, slimy greenbean cassarole his aunt made when he was a kid as "...something out of an H.P. Lovecraft story."

Sweet.

If I had a cooking show, I'd base every dish off something from a Robert E. Howard story or theme. "Wench Fries." "The God in the Soup Bowl." "Red Snails." "Flour of the Dragon."

Calling all G.I. Joe Geeks -- The Baroness Has Been Cast!

According to this article in Variety, Sienna Miller has been cast as The Baroness.

Variety actually says the character is "a raven-haired baroness." They don't use the character's specific name. But c'mon... this ain't Shipwreck we're talking about here.

I had a ton of G.I. Joe shit when I was a kid. Some kids had He-Man, some kids had Star Wars. I had G.I. Joe and Transformers. I watched the series every day after school. I collected the comics. One of my earliest Christmas memories is getting the first Grunt and VAMP from my parents.

Even though she was a villain, Baroness captured my young heart.

Skin-tight black leather outfit. Jet black hair. Red lips. Glasses. Sexy Eastern European accents. The chick carried guns and knew how to use them!

The Baroness is the ideal by which I judge all other women. So, here's an open message to Sienna Miller: please don't play her like a vampy cartoon. This ain't Natasha and Boris. This is the Baroness, most ass-kicking of all femme fatales. Bring your A game to this one, sister!

Query of the Day

This one takes purple prose to a whole new level.

I love "driftingly," and the "distraught" bats.


"Salem 17th Century - A bizarre and deadly detour in history!

The witch hunt hits feverish peak. Fear of the devil is as real as God. Witchcraft is a hideous crime a person could commit and is punishable by death at the Gallows Hill for the victims accused of sorcery.

Driftingly, a red-stained full moon streaked with ominous dark haunting clouds is witness to the strange forewarn of the vicious lashing of wind and of distraught flying bats, over dead bodies swinging precariously in the wind by the branches of the locust trees.

River reflections of Bridget's scantily clad youthful beauty with long, flowing, wild, red hair, is frozen in fear amidst the overture of the Banshee's foreboding and bloodcurdling wails of imminent death, that of her own.

[Title removed to protect the innocent] vengeful curse hastens chase for the innocent and is carried off by a whirl of ill-omened wind that transgress all natural laws of time and space.

The Salem Witch Hunt Curse unearthed from necromancy, violates the course of natural events in a modern day world. But love and forgiveness triumphs beyond the grave and a chance at love and life is bestowed upon the worthy, at midnight of the Autumnal Equinox. The Author, [Name removed to protect the innocent] is challenged by the conflicting complexities of the past and future. Undeterred, she strokes with pen the somber and bright hues of her visions. [Title removed to protect the innocent] is a Fiction Romance/Mystery/Horror/Drama/ History Screenplay .View the dramatic and mind captivating movie poster at YouTube.com, Crackle.com, yahoo.com, Aol.com & Facebook.com."

The Black Metal Dialogues

Holy shit, this had me in tears.

PUNK ROCK!!!

Few possess the raw rock power necessary to play the world's largest guitar.

As He-Man might say, I have the power.

Once a Grip, Always a Grip

Me on the Fox lot.

I could be a studio head, and I'd still be putting up the lights...

Query of the Day

This one's just... wow.

"Mady Wright is 18 and she's never seen a penis.

Mady's days are spent navigating the seedy underbelly of movie theater employment and surviving the hell that is high school. On the verge of a breakdown, she consults her friend Shelley, who assures her that the key to stress relief is to get her hymen-ripping over with. After some soul-searching, Mady decides to find a worthy guy with whom to knock boots.

Will Mady find some man candy? Will she go all the way?"

Man Calls 911 and Demands Beer

Calling 911 and demanding beer is punk fucking rock.

Bearwatch

I'm starting a new feature in my blog called "Bearwatch."

This is in response to having seen Grizzly Man, one of the best movies ever made. Werner Herzog made a compelling case that bears want nothing more than to fuck your shit up. We should keep an eye on them.

It's also a double reference to the watch Timothy was wearing when a bear ate him. In Grizzly Man, a lawyer bequeaths the watch to his next-of-kin, and helpfully points out that it's "still ticking." I was really impressed. Man, that's a hell of a watch. It's my firm belief that, if any watch in the world deserves to have magical, bear-related powers, it's that motherfucker right there.

Hence: "Bearwatch."

I've reported here on bears in the past. Now I'm making it official.

That said...


Wild thief leaves candy wrapper trail
By Doyle Murphy

November 08, 2007

Vernon, N.J. - A brawny thief smashed through a minivan’s window yesterday, took the vehicle on a short ride and dumped it on the side of the road before fleeing on foot into the woods, township police said.
Police have described the suspect as a black bear.
About 2 a.m., Patrolman David Dehardt noticed the 2004 Mazda minivan parked on the side of the road in the Highland Lakes section of the township.
Dehardt investigated and took detailed notes to describe the crime scene: paw marks on the windshield, bear drool on the cloth interior, claw marks on torn-off door panels, black hair on the seats and countless candy wrappers in and out of the minivan.
Based on his investigation, Dehardt developed a theory. The bear broke the window to steal a bag of Halloween candy and dislodged the parking brake, sending the minivan about 40 feet down a driveway and onto the road.
Dehardt followed a trail of candy wrappers into the woods, but was unable to locate the suspect.

Call of the Day II

A real estate agent just called me.

She asked me to refer her to any of my screenwriter clients in case the strike went on for a long time and they needed to sell their house.

In return, she'd give me a kickback.

It's like Dick Jones says, good business is where you find it...

Call of the Day

An elderly woman called this morning. She told me the state from which she was calling, an immediate red flag that this was going to be a fun one.

"I sent a query letter, and I haven't heard back."

Following up on query letters is bone-headed in and of itself. But I cut her a little slack because she was an old lady.

She went on to explain that the post office returned the envelope as "undeliverable." (Possibly explaining why she hadn't heard back from us, but I digress). She read off the address. Long, confused story short...

... she just put the company name on the envelope, and that's it. Like we're the White House or Santa Claus.

I explained to her that Los Angeles is a big place with lots of people and, if she wanted us to get the query letter, she'd have to put the full address on the envelope.

She asked, "Is that how it's always been?"

"Yes, that's how it's always been."

The only similar call I can remember is from a couple of years ago, when a woman asked me to walk her through the steps of addressing an envelope so she could send her query letter.

It's a crazy world.

To Protect and Serve... the Executive Producer

Me playing a guard and using my Glare of Authority while posing with Mark the E.P.

I AM THE LAW

I got drafted into playing a prison guard on BRICKS. The director was gonna play the part. But the uniform wardrobe had magically (and perfectly) fit me. And I'd just gotten my head shaved the day before, purely at random. I play this movie's version of the Frank Oz character in The Blues Brothers. But I don't say anything, I just clench my jaw (see above), give the hero a Nazi-like stare and have him sign out his shit.

Query of the Day

"A discrete alien invasion. The white house is contacted and experiments with humans start. The aliens have morphing technology, teleportation, evaporation and work at the speed of light. These entities also invent the afterlife in order to judge humans.
They 'abduct' Jack as he is a white house advisor. Jack's character shows many vibes. He ends up being wanted on earth for evaporating people at random.
Alien actions include covering up their experiments with movies.
They can xerox, clone buildings and humans...

The lead is Jack and a woman alien who can morph into a human. She ends up pregnant."

The Striking Strikers

I left the house a little bit later last Thursday, because we had a later call time on set. So I was able to see the strikers in front of Paramount. They wore red shirts and carried red 'n' black signs. They were pretty quiet.

To my pleasant surprise, they were already out this morning when I left for work. I guess they've changed their bankers hours, and are now striking at 6 a.m. They were pretty quiet again. I saw a woman pull up in a minivan and hand one of them a coffee.

More Writers Strike Fun

Yesterday, an exec punched the gas to get through the picket line and ran over a writer. That's the exec's car, and the writer's shoe. The writer got a broken leg. The exec'll probably get two years in the gulag.

Unfortunately, even though I live right by Paramount, the writers are only striking from 9-to-5. I'm out the door by 7:30am and back home around 10pm usually. I'm missing out on all the fun chaos.

This shit's already getting outta hand. I'm hearing from people all over town that the studios and networks are just shutting down shows and producing deals. They're using this as an excuse to clear some house, citing force majeure.

Carrie

I've been catching up on old school horror lately. Partly because of all the remakes going on -- I want to keep the originals fresh in my head. And partly because I realized I just hadn't seen some of these movies since I was a kid.

I watched Prom Night last week. I loved it. Prom Night is every late-70s/early-80s slasher trope combined. It even has the obvious red herring, a kooky gardener who gives high school kids the fish eye while he trims the bushes.

And I watched Carrie last night. This is Brian DePalma at the height of his abilities, adapting a Stephen King novel (his first bestseller, if that puts a date on this picture) with horror sensibilities of the period in full effect. This ain't chocolate and peanut butter. This is chocolate and peanut butter and blowjob.

Carrie also gives us the feature film debut of a young TV actor named John Travolta, whom you may recall from his role as Vinnie Barbarino on Welcome Back Kotter.

This is of interest because, according to the special features, George Lucas and Brian DePalma cast for Star Wars and Carrie on the same day. Actors would come in and audition. Lucas took the people he liked, and DePalma took the rest for Carrie. So there is an alternate universe in which John Travolta would have played Han Solo.

The movie opens with a girls' volleyball game. Carrie (Sissy Spacek) is immediately tagged as a pariah and a klutz. Then we go into the girls' locker room, a scene involving copious nudity. But it's not played for exploitation. The tone is "nymphs in the garden," very slow and steamy and dreamlike. And then we get this horrible scene in which Carrie's persecuted. It's a perfect example of the inherent cruelty of high school girls.

She's rescued by a kindly gym teacher. One of the girls feels bad, and tries to make up for it by getting her boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to the prom as a way to make up for her part in everything.

(The guy who plays Tommy was originally up for Luke Skywalker. He didn't get Luke. He got Tommy. He relays this fact with a distinct, what-the-fuck undertone of karmic THAT COULD'VE BEEN ME!!!)

These characters reminded me that, despite all the death and horror, King frequently loads his stories with multiple "good guys." His world is dark, but not without lights.

Most of the movie is a high school drama. The acting is excellent. The writing's great. I loved the directing -- there are some seriously awesome shots in this thing. Even simple stuff has an added layer, like the kid on his bike weaving between trees. Just fucking cool.

And then you get the prom, which is still in everyone's collective consciousness.

This may sound like a huge "duh," but it wasn't until that scene when, purely at random, I'd decided to watch two classic horror movies that revolve around bad proms. I wonder if there are any others, so I can make a trilogy out of it.

I also watched the original trailer. According to the trailer, Carrie is adapted from the bestselling novel by "Steven King." Good times.

Query of the Day

"I wrote a screenplay called [title removed to protect the innocent; includes two typos] It is about a pimp name Ryan. Ryan is the main character in the sccreenplay. Ryan works for another pimp name Lanady. Ryan brings all the money that he gets from his hoes back to Lanady. Ryan has problems with another pimp because Ryan got his hoes working on the pimps block. Ryan then has problems with the american mob because the american mob wanna sell drugs on Ryan block. Ryan then falls in love with his main hoe. Ryan gets involve with a strip club and becomes partners with the strip club owner. Ryan bumps into a crookied cop and starts paying off the cop to stay out of jail."

Train of the Dead

This dude fell asleep on a train on Halloween. He was made up as a zombie. The other passengers thought he was really dead and called the cops.

Good thing they didn't shoot him in the head.

Writers Strike

I live close to Paramount. As left for work, I passed the studio. I saw a bunch of security guards, but no one was picketing.

I work down the block from the WGA building. As I came into work, I saw one camera crew doing a report.

In my little corner of the town, it seems pretty quiet for the moment.

I was on set all this past weekend. Warner Bros Saturday, Fox Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised to find out base camp was in the parking lot next to the Fox 2000 building. Almost every time I've been on the Fox lot this past year, it was for a meeting w/ Fox 2000 re: DK. Whenever I go, I take a little stroll on their New York street set because I think it's neato. Yesterday, I was on the New York street for the first time for its original purpose of shooting a scene set in New York. Too much fun.

I bailed early yesterday so I could make it into the office today and get the music nailed down.

Time to work...

Annie Hall

I finally watched Annie Hall. I liked it.

There are people who would read the above lines and smack their foreheads in horror at my obliviousness, much in the way I might react to someone telling me they ran across this movie The Exorcist on HBO and, know what? It was actually pretty good!

But, what the hell. Annie Hall swept the Oscars at the same time Star Wars was coming out. Being I was still in the low single-digits, age-wise, you see where this is going.

Long/short, Annie Hall is the kinda movie that is massively influential without my ever knowing. The whole time I was watching this flick, I was ticking off all the later movies and shows that borrow from it: When Harry Met Sally, Ferris Bueller, The Wedding Crashers, Curb Your Enthusiasm and Seinfeld, any given romcom set in NYC, etc.

Woody Allen plays a version of himself. He runs across this sweet girl from the Midwest named Annie Hall. They dig each other and start dating. She likes how smart he is. He likes her golly-gee innocence, which is so different from his own smarmy, neurotic, uber-intellectual Manhattan pretentious bullshit.

So, naturally, he does everything in his power -- by financing her "adult education courses" and analysis to "get in touch with her feelings" and pounding his bullshit craziness into her -- to turn Annie Hall into one of the tribe. Once she's just like Woody and all of his awful friends, they begin hating each other. And Woody hates himself.

It's also a really funny movie, very brash and sexy. The writing's amazing.

I'll be honest -- I've never had much interest in Woody Allen. But I realized one day I was judging this guy's entire career from face value, just like the knuckleheads who think every horror movie in the world is like Friday the 13th Part V.

Annie Hall is my first Woody Allen film. We're off to a good start. There's still that whole pretentious Manhattanite thing going on that fills my mouth with bile and my mind with images of attacking Hansen brothers. But, like Larry David's stuff, I can deal with it because, like Larry David, Woody Allen is using these characters to show just how wretched the entire scene is. I can get behind that.

Maybe next I'll figure out who this Fellini fella is I've heard so much about...

On Set

Yesterday was a 24-hour shoot day.

We got there at dawn of Halloween, and worked through to the dawn of the new day.

It was a lot of frantic mayhem on my end for the first 13 hours or so. Movies are born of chaos; they don't want to be made. But it's that same energy that makes them powerful. So all you can do is fight the inevitable chaos and hope you come within the 90th percentile.

I'm in the office today, catching up on the work I haven't been able to swing while in production. Back on set this weekend.

So far, so mostly-good...