Query of the Day

I take that back. God gets trumped by a magical space dog:

"This is a sci-fi comedy story about a wise talking space dog called "Solar," which is a Jack Russell terrier with magical powers. He has to leave his planet in fear of it exploding due to two warring dogs that also possess magical powers, but they are much stronger than Solar's powers.

Solar takes off in an abandoned spacecraft before his planet explodes. Although he is glad to be away from the trouble, he is sad because he never got the chance to make amends with his family and friends. Solar heads towards earth as NASA tries to intercept the dog-piloted UFO. From thereon, Solar experiences an adventure that has some very comical moments. Solar crash lands in the Los Angeles Zoo, knocking out the city's power lines during a thunderstorm. There are two bumbling crooks, Vic and Ted, who happen to be hiding out in the zoo, and they soon cross paths with Solar.

Solar follows the three children he befriended to the hospital after one of the children had an accident. At the hospital, a nurse trips over and accidentally injects Solar by mistake, this causes him to transform, literally. With the slapstick antics of the characters and humorous stunts and magical moments, this story will appeal to a wide variety audience and no doubt bring a smile to their faces too."

Query of the Day

Why do the really fun ones always involve God?

"The story - which offers the potential for a trilogy based upon the same premise and characters - is about Mary Magdalene, a kind-hearted stripper possessed by the demons of the seven sins, who is put in charge of the resurrection of the world when Christ returns to present-day NYC and reveals the sequel to the Gospel: The ultimate mystery - We hunt for it everywhere - But it lies hidden within us...

When Christ returns to the Earth to give his ultimate aid to humanity as it approaches Judgment Day, the Devil tries to convince him that people are definitely lost, and challenges him to entrust anyone with the world's salvation: if Christ's champion overcomes the final trial, the world will be saved, otherwise it will be destroyed.

Christ chooses Mary Magdalene - who is reborn in NYC and leads an unhappy life dancing in a Bronx nightclub - giving to her and to the twelve Apostles, reborn in NYC too, the mission of bringing to the world the ultimate mystery that alone may defeat the destructive plans of the evil forces. As Christ starts releasing people from violence, drugs and degradation, he upsets the illegal business of two vicious cops, who eventually slay him and head the police inquiries off, accusing his Magdalene and the Apostles of being a satanic sect responsible for his murder.

As NYC is invaded by the evil forces, the Apostles hide away lost in confusion, and only Magdalene still resists them. But everything works against her and the Devil launches his decisive attack against her through the seven demons. If Magdalene succumbs under the weight of her weakness, all humanity will succumb with her.

But whatever it is, things are not as they seem to be, for an end twist is lying in wait..."

TRANSFORMERS Trailer

Here's a link to the trailer for TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

And here's a transcription of the trailer:

Boom.

Boom!

BOOM!

Shia LaBeouf: "Just run, don't stop for anything!"

Old guy: "We're all going together!"

BOOM!

Whaw-cha-chack!

BOOM!

Whaw-ch-chack!

Megan Fox: "Dad!"

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!


Needless to say, I'm gonna see this movie.

Tony Jaa in THE PROTECTOR

I watched this movie, and it is a lot of fun.

You could easily switch out the bland-ass title and replace it with You Stole Tony Jaa's Elephant and Now You're Fucked.

A bunch of bad guys go into the deepest forest in Thailand and steal an elephant that is purported to have magical powers - the owner is invincible in battle, which will (presumably) help them take over the criminal underworld.

But this is like a King Kong story, a mummy story, where someone goes into the wilderness and takes something they shouldn't have, and the inconguence of ancient/wilderness with modern/city causes serious trouble for everyone concerned. Because these magic elephants are guarded by an ancient cabal of muay thai fighters. Tony Jaa is the last of their line, and he comes a-lookin' for his fucking elephant.

The first act is all about the Thai relationship with elephants. There are lots of scenes of Tony growing up with the elephants, playing with them, practicing muay thai with them, etc. There's some implied elephant sex - a male grabs a female by the trunk and leads her into the woods, and a dissolve cut shows us a baby elephant running out of the forest. When the bad guys show up, the elephants lose their shit and go on an extended rampage. I can't tell you how much joy I derived from watching elephants wreck a village.

Despite the rampagin', the bad guys manage to get the elephant to Australia, thereby enacting the Curse of Tony Jaa. He comes out of his temple and heads for the modern world, on a mission to retrieve said elephant and fix some serious wagon. He doesn't know the language and, like Kee-Rock, is confused and frightened by our modern ways. But, luckily for both Tony and the viewer, he is able to overcome his fish-out-of-water problems with violence.

And this is where the rubber hits the road. In film development, you learn that every scene has its own logline, encapsulating what the scene is about and how it pertains to the overall story. You could say about 50% of the scenes in this movie have the logline of: "Bad guys are hanging around being evil, when Tony Jaa flies into frame and knees everyone in the face."

It is a simple story, which is best. You don't watch martial arts movies for their intricate plotting. This ain't The Usual Suspects. This is about watching some dude beat ass in cool ways.

There are three highlights to this movie:

a) A fight in a burning church, with Tony Jaa versus a capoeira master. Both styles are very acrobatic, so they're spinning around, doing springs and jumps, throwing kicks and strikes from weird directions. Good times.

b) Tony tracks the bad guys to a hotel. It's the kind that's open-air, so you could lean over the railing on the tenth floor and see the lobby below, if you get my drift. He fights his way all the way up ten stories... in one fucking shot. This thing is a symphony of stuntwork. It's a masterpiece. If you need one reason to see the movie, this scene is it.

c) Tony Jaa versus about fifty guys. One after the other, he breaks their bones in novel and mysterious ways. No one bonebreaking is the same as the rest, like each bad guy is a special little snow flake who gets his shit ruined in a unique way. It's almost like watching an instructional video entitled How to Break Bones the Tony Jaa Way. It's not all in one shot, but it is pretty long. You're watching Tony bust bones for a while.

If you like seeing knees to the face, bones broken, amazing fights all in one take and elephants, I cannot recommend this movie more. If you don't like the aforementioned elements, then you're probably gonna be too busy watching He's Just Not That Into You to catch this, anyway.

Also: over the weekend, I went to go see My Bloody Valentine. It has the same simple pleasures as The Protector. Meaning: if you think you might be entertained by watching a dude in a miner outfit kill people with a pick-axe in 3-D a lot - and by "a lot," I mean a couple dozen times - this is a movie you'll enjoy. Luckily, I fall into that category, so fun was had... and savored.

Now it's just a matter of waiting for Friday the 13th.

Important Lessons Taught by THE ROAD WARRIOR

While I'm learning zombie survival skills from Left 4 Dead, this guy is learning skills from The Road Warrior.

That's because awesome things are also educational.

I would also like to take the opportunity to point out that I would rather watch The Road Warrior for the millionth time than to ever, ever watch Citizen Kane ever again.

Caution, Zombies Ahead!

See? Playing Left 4 Dead isn't a waste of time... I'm developing important survival skills!

Two Things that are Unbelievably Awesome

Without launching into mountains of hyperbole, let me just point out two things I discovered over the weekend that filled by black, bitter heart with joy:

1) Pineapple Express. Instant classic. It's like the Judd Apatow version of The Big Lebowski. I loved every second.

2) Left 4 Dead. A zombie shooter video game that is in many ways the game I've been waiting for my whole life. It's mind-blowingly intense, like Resident Evil on hyperdrive, or a FPS version of 28 Days Later. This game will fuck you up.

I'm crossing my fingers that there'll be tons of DLC. More levels, more guns, more zombies... bring it!!!